Empty

That’s how I have felt for the most part of the last 3 years.

Empty.

I just realized this.

I do things for people. I meet needs to fill the void I feel.

The smiles and thank you’ only go so far.

I know it is good to help people. But I realize it would never make me whole.

I need to be whole on my own.

I will be fine. I know.

I’m glad I now know that I need to find me and be happy with the me that I find or do something about that me if I don’t like it.

Watch this space!

Starting a journey to finding me. To being whole.

Love, Keji

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Girl in bleh

I am very emotional. I know. I am somewhat confusing as well. Heck I confuse myself. I feel like I’m moving backwards even though my steps seem forward. I want to explode. I overthink things. I’m stuck in my emotions. I loose control of myself, my emotions and logical reasoning. I get anxious.

I cut myself with a glass yesterday. No. I did not try to kill myself as that would be extreme. I cut myself because I was anxious. I hate to feel locked out. I want to know what’s going on. Being in the dark is frustrating. Now I don’t care much about what happens in everyone’s

life although some gbegborun won’t hurt. But I want to know why the one I care about is hurting. It’s expected right?

I swear I totally get when guys say women are complicated and they can’t understand us. I can’t understand myself.

I am probably putting the cart before the horse….but I needed to let out.

Sigh.

Keji

Tiwalola

She that never was. Ours. An expression of a bond that would be experienced with none else!

Tiwa. I miss you already! You brought the deepest smile to his face. You got his heart beating faster than even I could.

I wish you were. You made his every reality fade. You placed him on a high at each thought of you. You made him cry (and I thought I was the only one that had the strings to his heart! 🙂 ). Tiwa, you were already daddys’ girl.

He never pronounced your name with the proper accent, but it did not matter. He pronounced it just right because all that mattered was that you heard his voice!

You never were. But you are. I see how he would spoil you. I see you jumping into his arms! I see the joy you put in his heart! I see the love in his eyes for you. He would see me through you.

Your coming would have been the beauty among the chaos. You presence would have quieted the storm. It would have been tough but your innocence would have made the journey easy.

Thank you. For even the littlest moments of joy thinking about you.

Tiwa, momma misses & loves you!

Keji.

When he…

1208. 08212017.

Cant sleep. I think this is the worst ever!

Zero to a hundred! Now that’s understated!

I love you.

Girl! You ain’t supposed to cry! Chin up!

But this shit hurts! It hurts!

I’d hate to lose both.

I can feel the sourness already. 8am calls done. Inside jokes gone. Bubbly laughter from my belly ended. Fading scent of his manliness.

I’m losing my foothold! Help!

Girl! Chin up and handle this shit!

0133. 08222017

We good. Pardon my bucketful! You can toss it.

Not a hundred. But I’ll take fifty over nothing.

Lets start over!

Hello, my name is Keji!

Wondering…with Ami!

We would be fun.

We would love God together.

We would learn together.

We would fight. Together.

We would make up. Together.

We would go through the motions of life together.

But we would be together.

 

Love, Keji

In

Me. You.
Us.

A depth beyond deep.
Emotions that transcends understanding.
A connection that defies distance.
Love created out of the unimaginable.

Me. You.
Us.

We were. We are.

In love.

All it takes

One decision can change your whole life. One. Just one! We are all one decision away from living absolutely different lives.

The toughest decision is one that affects the lives of others.

One decision to send a message can change a girls life all together.

One decision to go on a date can bring you into love forever.

One decision to listen to someone everyone deemed invaluable can make one wiser.

One decision to give that guy a chance can ruin your happiness forever.

One decision to keep that child can make you the mother of greatness.

One decision to damn everything and love against all odds, can bring you happiness.

One decision to damn everything and love against all odds, can put you in sadness forever.

One decision. One.

Decisions are however made by tough people. Make one today! Make the right one.

Even when you make a wrong one, never regret your decisions. Just make better ones.

Love,
Keji

Hey you!

You. Yes you!

Slow down. Time has rolled by and done its damages. We have loved and stepped out of its comforts. We are embraced by the warmth of other bodies. Reminisce and smile. Stop.

You. Yes you!

I loved you. But we just never could create a beauty out of the billions of affections transposed between our hearts. Oh how I wished upon the star of love and upon cupids arrow for an us to be!

Hey you. I have missed you. I miss you. Strange, how you still pull the strings of my beating heart!

Love,

Keji

 

Feen

I cant show the cravings. I cant let the world see. But I need their attention. I need them to see me. Even when I am not doing anything. I just want them to notice me. They have their lives though. So I hide my need for their attention, for their validation. I hear the forces that accuse attention seekers. And I cringe within.

I am an attention feen.

I am ashamed, but then I am not. It is who I am.

I am attention feen and this is my first step to admitting it.

A step at a time and i’ll come out blazing, getting over what people will say.

I am a feen!

There!

Keji

* FEENING means “Craving, wanting really badly” It is an acronym, abbreviation or slang word.

 

A Conversation

“I miss you and I want to see you”

“I wanna see you too. I am travelling to W**** tomorrow, when do you want me to come?”

“ Midday. 12 noon or 1 pm. Cant spend too much time, but we can have lunch together”

“Today? It could be next week. I get back Sunday”

“Oh ok, thought you could make it today. Just excited. I have missed you. Saturday just heightened my excitement a lot more as if I am not already high on you”

“We are crazy you know”

“Just be safe. I think i’ll break down if anything ever happened to you”

“Hey my love, stop that. Don’t even entertain such thoughts.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you, a lot more than I let out most times”

” I know. You don’t have to say it. I can see it in your eyes, I can taste it in your kisses, I can feel it in the way you hold me. The few times you say it are confirmation of what i already know and are just toppings. I. Love. You. M*&%.”

“You have no idea how you make me feel when you say some the beautiful things you say. It makes me fall for you even more and makes me wonder how life with you would have been. Sigh.”

“Sigh. I also wonder what fights with you would have been like. I do know however that regardless of whose fault it was, i’d find a way to let you know that I would not be able to breathe right without you.”

“Isn’t that what love does”

“I cant wait to see you lover”

 

Silence…