Feen

I cant show the cravings. I cant let the world see. But I need their attention. I need them to see me. Even when I am not doing anything. I just want them to notice me. They have their lives though. So I hide my need for their attention, for their validation. I hear the forces that accuse attention seekers. And I cringe within.

I am an attention feen.

I am ashamed, but then I am not. It is who I am.

I am attention feen and this is my first step to admitting it.

A step at a time and i’ll come out blazing, getting over what people will say.

I am a feen!

There!

Keji

* FEENING means “Craving, wanting really badly” It is an acronym, abbreviation or slang word.

 

A Conversation

“I miss you and I want to see you”

“I wanna see you too. I am travelling to W**** tomorrow, when do you want me to come?”

“ Midday. 12 noon or 1 pm. Cant spend too much time, but we can have lunch together”

“Today? It could be next week. I get back Sunday”

“Oh ok, thought you could make it today. Just excited. I have missed you. Saturday just heightened my excitement a lot more as if I am not already high on you”

“We are crazy you know”

“Just be safe. I think i’ll break down if anything ever happened to you”

“Hey my love, stop that. Don’t even entertain such thoughts.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you, a lot more than I let out most times”

” I know. You don’t have to say it. I can see it in your eyes, I can taste it in your kisses, I can feel it in the way you hold me. The few times you say it are confirmation of what i already know and are just toppings. I. Love. You. M*&%.”

“You have no idea how you make me feel when you say some the beautiful things you say. It makes me fall for you even more and makes me wonder how life with you would have been. Sigh.”

“Sigh. I also wonder what fights with you would have been like. I do know however that regardless of whose fault it was, i’d find a way to let you know that I would not be able to breathe right without you.”

“Isn’t that what love does”

“I cant wait to see you lover”

 

Silence…

In love with two? Read this

Culled from elitedaily.com here;

I’d like to think that most people don’t fall in love very easily. Nevertheless, there are those who claim to fall in love on the regular. Moreover, there are some individuals who claim to be capable of being in love with more than one individual at a time.

This concept seems foreign to me, but for the sake of philosophical inquiry, I thought it would be interesting to take a closer look into how it is that some people have trouble falling in love at all while others seem to be falling in love left and right.

There are only a handful of explanations that are feasible. The first being that the individuals in question only think they are in love with multiple people when in fact they aren’t.

Love is a voluntarily accepted illusion. Sure, when we fall in love, we feel that we’re in love, but feeling – like everything else we experience – all originates from the brain.

To be clear, I’m talking about romantic love and not the love between parent and child or brother and sister. I am talking about sexual, romantic love. What really differentiates the two is the sex. So falling in love is basically accepting that you care deeply for an individual mixed in with the urge to jump his or her bones.

The beauty of love is that once it takes hold of us, it takes on a life of its own. It’s basically an obsession. How long this obsession will survive depends on how justified our obsession is.

If we quickly get disillusioned, then we fall out of love. If the person turns out to be really great then we are likely to stay in love for a bit longer. This gets more complicated as more often than not our minds start to invent flaws in order for us to feel more removed and less dependent, but you get the picture.

Very often we believe ourselves to be falling in love only to quickly realize that it wasn’t love, but rather infatuation. You can surely be infatuated with multiple people, but can you be in love with multiple people?

That really depends on how you define love. If you define love as caring greatly for a person and having romantic/sexual thoughts for that person, then sure, you can love multiple people. But love isn’t quite so shallow.

I often think that people never actually fall in love, but rather work towards being in love. When you fall for someone, you are greatly falling for someone that doesn’t actually exist.

You don’t know the person entirely and therefore only love the things that you do know about him or her. The rest remains a mystery and when finally realized is often the wakeup call that has us running out the door.

Love is something that is created and maintained over time. It takes time, energy, work, dedication and focus – just like anything else worth doing in life. For whatever reason, human beings love the idea of having things given to them.

No one wants to have to work for anything – we’d prefer it all handed to us on a silver platter. That’s why people love the concept of love. It levels the playing field by promising even the poorest, dumbest, most naïve person a chance at experiencing the greatest phenomenon known to man.

It’s something that every individual in the world can experience and be a part of. It doesn’t discriminate. Anyone can be lucky enough to fall in love – it’s all chance, so people would like to believe. Just about everyone’s brain is capable of it.

However, the belief that love is something so readily found gives people the illusion that it doesn’t take work to maintain. We love the concept of love because it gives the laziest man the chance to “have it all” – since love is all that you need in life, right?

In reality, building and maintaining love takes a lot of work. Any fool can fall in love, but only a few can stay in love. Life throws a lot of sh*t our way.

In fact, the higher your aspirations, the more difficulties you will face, the more troubles you will have to deal with. Life makes loving very, very hard. This is why I have a very hard time believing that a person can truly love more than one person at a time.

There simply isn’t enough time to love more than one person. Time is a reality that we all must abide by. There is only so much time in a day, in a week, in your life to do the things that you want to and have to do.

Relationships take up a whole lot of time and energy – the more you love a person, the more time and energy you will devote to them. So is it possible to think that you are in love with more than one person? Sure, but only on the earliest stages in which true love has yet to take form. The fact is that you don’t have enough time to love more than one person at a time properly.

There aren’t enough hours in the day. Falling in love is an illusion. Loving is a full-time job. If you think you are in love with two people, then chances are that you don’t truly love either of them.

By Paul Hudson

Mena

Red.

Been on this lane

A hilly lane

Green it has been, no amber seen in sight

And then stop? Smash!!!

Roaming around my mind, the thought of this day

Never did I think I will find being away so hard to stay

The coldness drives me crazy

The winter I can deal with, but with the winter comes a storm

Blisters, dryness and breaks in my pumping heart

I am broken.

I should not be

But your words sting like a bee

Albeit true, they reflect the lie I live

Done.

 

Keji

Trust. Forgiveness.Fear.

What exactly is trust? Merriam Webster defines it as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone. ‘I trust that my man would never cheat on me’. That is an example of trust. However when trust is broken, it is quite hard for human beings to rebuild it. It sometimes happens and sometimes it does not; when trust however is being rebuilt after being broken, it can take years.

Now that is often the point of view of the person doing the trusting.

When you are the one who has broken a trust, it is a lot harder. Especially if the person who was hurt is special to your heart. While trying to rebuild trust, you often wonder how long it will take. What length you will have to go to regain trust. If you will ever regain that trust. If you will ever be forgiven.

Forgiveness. When the adulterous woman was brought before a great Man to be killed, He asked her accusers, “he who has no sin to cast a stone”. They all went away. Can we apply this to today? I know some sins are so grievous, but because you sin different than I do does not mean that you are forgivable and I am not. Why should a man be forgiven for adultery and not a woman? Why should a man be forgiven for theft and not murder? Yes, in some way the latter are somewhat bigger sins to the victims that the former, but sin is sin. For people who believe in the true way to God, all sins are equal and we should be able to forgive all; Hard! I know. However, for people who say they love one another, sins should be overshadowed by that love. Love, they say covers a multitude of sins.

Fear. An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that  something is likely to cause pain. An offender often is condemned by the person they have hurt. A man who loves his wife so much, cheats on her. Not because it was a mistake, but because as human being feeling that the grass was greener on the other side, he was tempted and fell. Now he is afraid of loosing his wife. Of loosing his children. Of the hurt that would be rippled across his family and her family. If only he had deeply thought about this before he planned ‘the meeting’ with his greener grass. Now fear. Not because he is a weakling but because he actually loves his family. “If he truly loves her, he won’t cheat on her”, I hear that a lot. But I also hear “you don’t know what you have till it is lost”. This goes for many a people. This is also talk for another day. But note, certain situations make people ‘forget’ how much they love their partner e.g. financial down times, childlessness,  work pressures, extended family pressures, peer pressures. Keep this in mind.

I think people should trust fully. When a trust can be broken on suspicion, then it was not trust at all. When trust can be broken on hearsay, it was not trust at all. When the trusted person is caught in the act, then trust can be broken. Not compulsorily though, because I have heard of stories where forgiveness is given to the trusted person after that person was caught in the act. So even in the worst situations, an offender can still be trusted depending on the relationship between the offender and the offended.

The offender is often at the short end of the stick. However, while we want to stay upset and angry at  loved ones who have broken our trust, forgiveness is necessary to  move on. It is necessary to remove fear from the offender and to reassure them that life can be restarted. We are human and VERY prone to errors even when we know we are making them. The flesh is mostly weak.

I know most of this is easier said than done, especially coming from someone who has offended a lot of people. But I seek solace in the fact that I have asked for forgiveness from God and the ones I offended as well as have forgiven myself. I do not work in with the frame mind that grace will abound, but I hold on to grace to offend less.

Remember, LOVE covers a multitude of sins.

Keji.

 

Kiire?

Cant tell what this is.

It hurts.

Oh the Pain!

Sigh.

To top it off, my period has decided to take its time….

I cant be pregnant mehn! CANT!

Home strips says negative, but why ain’t my period showing?????????

Heart attack maybe?

Double sigh!

Keji

Life is a war!

Its full of so many fights!

We fight to survive, fight for our sanity, fight for our family, our career and future. We fight for happiness, fight to make wise decisions, the fighting never seems to end.

In all, we have to fight fair! Never fight with an unwilling partner (whether it is yourself or another person entirely). In war, there is love. Let love reign even in fights.

Wars are made up of many battles, battles too many to fight. Learn which to fight and which to ignore.

Stay happy! Cry! Love! Smile! Pray! Live!

Love, Keji

A rebuke

Can you feel it? See it?

The squeeze in my chest, the pain I can’t explain

Heartbreak? No? A heart attack might give you a clue

Over again, this fragile heart is stomped upon

I doubt it can take much more

It’s broken pieces tearing into its frame

When that’s gone, she’s gone

Into a dark place. No lights. Gone.

________________________________________________

…am not happy with the way you’re allowing your mind assess the situation.

What you need do is take control of your mind and understand is its a commitment, a covenant and an end in itself.

When you consciously work with these themes then, tis easy to approach every situation, challenges and or problems that seeming arises  with a mindset of winning being the ONLY option.

You can make things work beautifully and not just endure it.

________________________________________________________

 

I am such a drama queen!

Love, Keji

Ro’s Journey

Sometimes even beyond our intents, the journey beacons. A wilderness twas.

…along the line, many were and one after the other, they fizzled away. However, she constant remained. He feared the age difference – she could ‘lose’ her youth. “I think you sometimes held back when we ‘were'”, she said.

…on the flip side, they never did click and away they went. One however, also did remain. The interest never was mutual, but friendship beyond it all they maintained. When she was heart broken, twas him whose shoulders she seemingly sought refuge.

Like business, a decision was made. Only that deep within everyone lies the real intent not always sincerely shared with one another.

Eventually, twas a wilderness experience…

____________________________________________________

This is not mine. Ro, a good friend of mine sent this to me and i thought it worthy to be posted.

 

Love, Keji

Us

The blinds are drawn, the sheets around me rough

A tall dark figure lies still beside me

The father of my children

I turn around trying to find the sleep that took me away

Away from the words that hurt so deep

Away from the reality that is bittersweet

Sleep derides me

New paint, bigger space, wallpapers, pretty curtains

A new place to call home, something of glee

Home, House, shelter, my soul requires nil

In a dark corner, bliss seems quite unreachable

Don’t ask me why I am unhappy

Because I know not

I do not ever really remember a time in my life

Where true delight existed long enough

I wish he could see through me

I wish he would try to figure this thing out

His snores begin to create an uprising

Disdain for his person looms

I attempt to form affection

I take a stab at recollecting our vows

My memory fails me, or does it?

I’ll stay.

For my children. For me.

For the future that might be better.

For our families.

For the prayers that must not go unanswered.

For a culture that needs to be preserved.

For a cycle that must be broken.

For God.

I’ll stay.

And wake every morning with a hope that I’ll find myself

That a love for him can blossom

That we can make it

That Happiness can find me

That I can be truly content, happy and fulfilled!