Ekaf

Its 5am. Snooze. Its 6am. Argh! Snooze again. 6.45! Rushes off the bed to get into some workout gear.

Steps out the house, taps on play. 1st Kings 1, “Now King David was very old and no matter how many blankets covered him, he could not keep warm”. Mind wanders off. King David is about to die. How could he be God’s favorite with all the atrocities he committed? Can I get away with all the crap I have done? Well, I’m not David.

“Good morning ma”, Ah good morning. Walks faster. How long will I be able to walk today? Sigh.

Click. WhatsApp. Chat: Good morning A. How are you? Not walking today? “No”. Okay. “Carry on”.

“…Then David died and was buried with his ancestors in the City of David”. That escalated real quick! I guess we all die someday. Clicks next chapter.

Mind wanders. I hope my pant lines are not showing. Will I ever reach my goal weight. I am hungry.

61 minutes completed. 120 minutes later. Driving.

Work. Argument. Fuck off. Upset. Sorry. Not sorry. Turns phone off.

Work done. Home.

Nothing deep. Nothing real. Well, David was. And he died! Nothing real!

Ekaf!

Vague

Hours spent talking about everything.

Creativity without borders.

Support with no restraint.

Unburdened friendship.

Vague. Dis-remember. Forgotten.

Because…

Words. No benefit of the doubt. No excuses given on behalf.

Because…

Blinded mind.

Vague.

How sad!

 

 

efiL

Writers block.

Only that I am not a writer.

Putting thoughts and emotions to paper is a lot of mental work. However reading what I have written in the past is relaxing, exciting in some sort of way.

So for tomorrow’s read, here we go.

Life will really go past you if you do not live intentionally. 32! Freak it! 32! Where did all the time go?  Feels like it was yesterday I was saying to myself the things I would have accomplished by now. So much to do, and there is time to do all only if we live intentionally.

Oh well, this year has been eventful and I am grateful for all the positives and negatives. I will take intentional steps to be fully aware of each day for the rest of the year. I will take conscious decisions.

And hope that this makes the rest of the year a ‘lived’ one!

With love,

Keji

 

A beautiful man

You rarely meet a beautiful man. Most are at the most handsome. Or just nice. Or just have great personalities.

You.

Are.

Beautiful.

You don’t believe me? Look in the mirror. Look in your notes. Look at your friends. Look at you!

There’s an uncommon blend of beauty and brains. Of charm and toughness. Of humility and pride. Of being subtle and of being loud. Of a child and a man.

You.

Are.

Beautiful.

 

Love,

Keji

Vicious

She’s brutal.

She’s heartless.

She.

Love.

She leaves with bold strides.

With a haughty shoulder.

She came, she conquered, she left.

Do not hold on to her. She’s got spikes.

Her benevolence ends with convenience.

Or am I wrong.

Is she really love or is she just me?

Keji

Empty

That’s how I have felt for the most part of the last 3 years.

Empty.

I just realized this.

I do things for people. I meet needs to fill the void I feel.

The smiles and thank you’ only go so far.

I know it is good to help people. But I realize it would never make me whole.

I need to be whole on my own.

I will be fine. I know.

I’m glad I now know that I need to find me and be happy with the me that I find or do something about that me if I don’t like it.

Watch this space!

Starting a journey to finding me. To being whole.

Love, Keji

Girl in bleh

I am very emotional. I know. I am somewhat confusing as well. Heck I confuse myself. I feel like I’m moving backwards even though my steps seem forward. I want to explode. I overthink things. I’m stuck in my emotions. I loose control of myself, my emotions and logical reasoning. I get anxious.

I cut myself with a glass yesterday. No. I did not try to kill myself as that would be extreme. I cut myself because I was anxious. I hate to feel locked out. I want to know what’s going on. Being in the dark is frustrating. Now I don’t care much about what happens in everyone’s

life although some gbegborun won’t hurt. But I want to know why the one I care about is hurting. It’s expected right?

I swear I totally get when guys say women are complicated and they can’t understand us. I can’t understand myself.

I am probably putting the cart before the horse….but I needed to let out.

Sigh.

Keji

Tiwalola

She that never was. Ours. An expression of a bond that would be experienced with none else!

Tiwa. I miss you already! You brought the deepest smile to his face. You got his heart beating faster than even I could.

I wish you were. You made his every reality fade. You placed him on a high at each thought of you. You made him cry (and I thought I was the only one that had the strings to his heart! 🙂 ). Tiwa, you were already daddys’ girl.

He never pronounced your name with the proper accent, but it did not matter. He pronounced it just right because all that mattered was that you heard his voice!

You never were. But you are. I see how he would spoil you. I see you jumping into his arms! I see the joy you put in his heart! I see the love in his eyes for you. He would see me through you.

Your coming would have been the beauty among the chaos. You presence would have quieted the storm. It would have been tough but your innocence would have made the journey easy.

Thank you. For even the littlest moments of joy thinking about you.

Tiwa, momma misses & loves you!

Keji.

When he…

1208. 08212017.

Cant sleep. I think this is the worst ever!

Zero to a hundred! Now that’s understated!

I love you.

Girl! You ain’t supposed to cry! Chin up!

But this shit hurts! It hurts!

I’d hate to lose both.

I can feel the sourness already. 8am calls done. Inside jokes gone. Bubbly laughter from my belly ended. Fading scent of his manliness.

I’m losing my foothold! Help!

Girl! Chin up and handle this shit!

0133. 08222017

We good. Pardon my bucketful! You can toss it.

Not a hundred. But I’ll take fifty over nothing.

Lets start over!

Hello, my name is Keji!

Wondering…with Ami!

We would be fun.

We would love God together.

We would learn together.

We would fight. Together.

We would make up. Together.

We would go through the motions of life together.

But we would be together.

 

Love, Keji